Why Me
by kdzl
Summary: Danny gets a chance to see how things would have turned out differently. Spoilers up through 6x05. DL.
1. Prologue

**_AN/ So, this idea kept floating around in my mind until I wrote it down. I hope you like it. _**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show or any of its characters.**

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_"For success to happen, You just have to ask yourself two things:_

_1. Why me?_

_2. Why **no****t** me?"_

_-Arthur Tugman_

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"Damn" Danny cursed as he saw the sign indicating a broken elevator that wouldn't be repaired until the next morning. "Of course we had to live on the fifth floor." He groaned as he hobbled towards the stairs. After hobbling around all day in the lab, Danny was exhausted. The very last thing in the world that he wanted to do was to climb four flights of stairs, but it looked like he had no other choice.

At least he didn't have Lucy with him. His daughter was spending the day with his Ma in the Bronx. Lindsay was on the late shift today, and their paths barely crossed. Looking up the flight of stairs, the task seemed insurmountable.

He could do this. He had to do this.

With a concentrated sigh, he began attempting to climb the stairs. The first few steps were relatively easy, causing Danny's pride to soar. He couldn't even imagine what he would have done if this had happened three weeks ago while he was still stuck in his chair. He probably would have had to wait until Lindsay got home. Even then, poor Lindsay probably would have had to con neighbors to lift him up the stairs to his apartment. Or worse, she would have tried to carry him up the stairs herself. Danny smirked at the thought of Lindsay carrying his sorry ass up the four flights of stairs and thanked his luck that he could avoid Lindsay's display of superhuman abilities—the woman never ceased to amaze him.

"Why me?" he grumbled as the pain in his legs ignited, spreading fire throughout his whole body. Panting heavily, he focused on each step as he gripped both his cane and the arm rail. His white knuckles and perspiration gave testament to the difficulty of the task, but Danny was unwilling to give up.

As he reached the third flight of stairs, Danny groaned. "You gotta be kiddin' me!" Taking a small break, Danny could feel his legs trembling beneath him, but he refused to quit. Not when he was so close. Leaning heavily on his cane and the handrail, Danny pressed forward.

Danny cursed as the pain in his legs worsened. "Why'd this have to happen to me?" He asked aloud, cursing fate for the shooting and the pain that it brought both him and his family. Compared to this, physical therapy was a cake walk.

Without warning, his cane slipped out from beneath him. Danny struggled to maintain his balance, but his tired legs had been relying solely on his upper body strength for the last few steps. He tried to thrust his arm out to stop his fall, but the tight grip on the railing caused him to swing unexpectedly.

Danny's stomach dropped as time slowed and he realized that he was going to hit the stairs head first. He tried to maneuver to avoid a head on collision, but it was too late. The last thought that ran through his mind before striking the stair and losing consciousness was a familiar one.

_Why me?_


	2. Past

**_AN/ Thanks to the reviewers so far, I hope you continue to enjoy it. So, to any of you that were worried, don't be. Danny will be just fine. This is going to be a little bit of "It's a Wonderful Life" meets "A Christmas Carol" and no, it won't be a Christmas fic. So, enjoy!_**

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_"If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world."_

_-Mercedes Lackey_

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Chapter 2

"C'mon Messer. Get up." A familiar voice commanded him through the black fog that seemed to surround him.

"Huh?" Danny blinked as the lights began to come into focus.

"Come on, lazy ass. Get up, I've got something to show you."

"Aiden? What are you doing here? Help me up." Danny groaned, surprised that the pain in his legs had disappeared and his head didn't seem to be stinging with pain.

"You're fine." Aiden rolled her eyes and commanded again, "Help yourself up." She smirked knowingly as Danny quickly stood. Danny was perplexed by the ease of the task, more importantly, he was also stunned at the lack of pain that accompanied him as he stood.

"What's goin on here Aiden?" Danny asked, perplexed by her attire—all white. Suddenly Danny's stomach fell. "Am I dead?" He asked with horror. "I'm dead, aren't I?"

"No stupid." She laughed as she rolled her eyes. "Trust me. You'd know if you were dead."

"If I'm not dead, then what are you doing here?" Danny countered defensively.

She shrugged nonchalantly, "You tell me."

"I'm dreaming?" Danny asked, taken aback.

"In a manner of speaking, let's just say you're in 'La La' land right now. That headache's going to be a bitch." She said with a smirk.

"I'm dreamin? Of you?" Danny laughed. "Must've hit my head harder than I thought."

"Hey, it's your subconscious." She scoffed as she held up her hands in surrender. "Like I told you once, I am _way_ out of your league. But c'mon, We've got somewhere to be."

"Where?" Danny asked.

"Oh, you'll see." She said cryptically as the staircase around them disintegrated.

Walls and furniture materialized before him as Danny came to the sickening realization of just where they were. Somehow, they were back to that night. _That _night. The night that if given the chance, he would have changed his actions a million times over. He could only stare, dumbstruck, as he watched himself and Rikki attempt to console each other over Reuben's death. "Look, I dunno what you're playing at here, but—"

"Shove it, I just wanted you to see where we are. But you know how this side of the story looks, I wanted to show you something else." Aiden said sadly. Instantly, the green walls of his old bachelor pad faded into the warm pale yellow walls of Lindsay's old apartment. He smiled as he saw his wife. She obviously didn't notice their presence—clad in only a camisole and a pair of cotton shorts that only reached her upper thigh, Danny smiled at the woman he loved so much.

"_I don't know Mom, he just won't talk to me."_ Lindsay said pacing slightly while deep in conversation on her cell, anguish written on her every feature. Danny's heart sunk at the realization that Lindsay was up worrying on the very night that he was sleeping with Rikki.

"_I just remember after the diner, I tried to push everyone away. All I wanted was space. If only I knew what he wanted from me—" _ Lindsay allowed her thought to trail off as she apparently received sound advice from her mother.

"She was worried 'bout me?" Danny asked softly as Lindsay's conversation continued.

"Yep." She answered simply.

Danny could only watch as the scene shifted once more. At the lab, he witnessed the conversation that had been his wake up call. He could only watch in horror as he tried to defend himself weakly, _"Is this still about me missing your birthday? I didn't wanna go to lunch yesterday. Why ya gotta make such a big deal—" _Danny cringed at Lindsay's interruption and her assessment of his treatment to that of a "clingy girlfriend".

"_And for the record, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself. Because I've fallen in love with you and I have to figure out how to let that go."_ Danny's stomach dropped at the scene. He looked over at his younger self who didn't seem to register his words.

"Run after her!" He yelled at himself. His younger self just pulled the paperwork into clearer view and went back to work.

"You know that's not how the story goes." Aiden smirked softly. "And, it's that whole 'we can watch them, but they can't hear us' crap."

Danny sighed as the scene shifted once more back to Lindsay's apartment. His heart shattered as he watched her weep. He knew what brought the tears on, why Lindsay was struggling, and it was all because of him. Because of the heartache he brought on her.

"I get it. I screwed up. I know." Danny grumbled softly, his heart aching over the torment that he watched Lindsay go through because of his actions. Even though Lindsay couldn't hear him, he didn't want to disturb her now that she had cried herself to sleep.

"Danny, that's not what this is about." Aiden shook her head as if she were annoyed that he hadn't realized the point of her 'mission'.

"So, why're you showing me this?" Danny queried.

"Just to remind you what you're getting yourself into." Aiden admitted sadly.

"Why? What do you mean?" Danny pressed. "What's this all about then?"

"You'll find out soon enough." A less accented voice said in reply as Jessica Angell put her hand reassuringly on Danny's shoulder. Danny only glanced at her before focusing intently on his loving wife. He couldn't bear the reality of the pain that he had brought into her life.

"Hang on Jess, we've got one more that he needs to see." Aiden instructed as though this were the most routine thing in the world.

Angell nodded and the room before him crumbled into the apartment that his family now occupied. If he thought his heart couldn't break any further, it was shattered as he watched the scene before him. Lindsay was feeding Lucy, a sight that would normally warm his heart. This time, however, Lindsay was sobbing quietly as Lucy ate, both of them sitting on the bed that Lindsay and Danny shared. Danny was no where to be seen, and the lack of his presence disheartened him slightly.

"I'm in the hospital." Danny surmised, touched by the realization of how much his wife loved him.

"No. You're not. _Moron_." Aiden countered, adding the last word under her breath and looking at him with distain as if she couldn't believe that he hadn't pieced the situation together correctly.

"Then--?" Danny scratched his head as his mind raced to place the scene. "But it's after the shooting, right?"

Both women rolled their eyes and nodded.

"So---" Danny studied the situation more carefully. He noticed the slight bags under Lindsay's eyes, the stress showing its toll on the woman he loved.

"Oh for Heaven's sake!" Jess groaned, "It was last week!"

"Last—" Danny repeated when it suddenly clicked. "Oh shit."

"Yeah, genius." Aiden scoffed. "The argument where you got all pissy at Lindsay because she had the balls to try and 'celebrate your progress' with a small walk in Central Park."

Danny groaned as he remembered the argument that led his wife to her current display of tears. He cringed as he remembered how quickly he had snapped at her over something immaterial.

"I was tired." He tried to defend, though he didn't need the look that both women gave him to realize how pathetic the excuse sounded.

"And she wasn't?" Jess retorted.

Danny sighed in defeat, "I know, its just--since the shooting, I don't know I've been--"

"An ass?" Aiden supplied helpfully.

"Short-tempered" Danny shot back quickly. The group fell silent as they observed Lindsay as she burped their daughter.

"If I could only go back--never get shot, it would have all been different." Danny murmured, as he watched Lindsay walk past him to put their daughter to bed, not for the first time filled with awe that a woman so perfect could have fallen in love with him.

The two women exchanged a look of sadness that went unnoticed by Danny as he stared at the spot where his wife had been.

"Well, come on. We've got somewhere to be." Jess commanded.

"Why did this have to happen to me?" Danny said sadly as Jess put her hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

TBC


	3. Present

**_AN/Ok, so I just have to give a shout out to all of the reviews so far, I must say, I greatly appreciate them. Now, I'm a little stuck for the next chapter, whether you'd like to see Danny 'observe' what's going on (like in Chapter 2) or 'experience' it (like he will in this chapter)--so, if you have a preference let me know. _**

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_"Regret for things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for things we did not do that is inconsolable."_

_-Sydney Smith_

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**Chapter 3**

"Jess?" Danny asked in confusion as the room before them became the bar of that night. Aiden had suddenly disappeared and Danny found himself seated next to his wife surrounded by his colleagues. Jess stood in the middle of the circle, seemingly entranced by Don's figure before her. Everyone seemed frozen in position, the entire team gathered around the bar with Stella in the center. "What is this?"

"It's your do over." She said sadly, his question snapping her out of her trance. "You want to know _'why you?'_ Well, here it is. Good luck with the rest of your life."

"Really?" Danny asked skeptically, struck by the notion that this sounded far too good to be true.

"You wanted this didn't you?" Jessica Angell asked pointedly. Danny suddenly felt like he was on the other side of an interrogation table.

" 'Course I did." Danny replied, "But--"

"No 'Buts' you wanted another chance, you got it. Just don't come complaining to me because its not what you expected." She said sharply.

"What does that supposed to mean?" Danny asked, feeling as though there were some deeper meaning to her words.

"Good luck." She shrugged and smiled softly as Danny found himself sitting next to his lovely wife as Stella raised her glass to Jess.

That's when all hell broke loose.

Again.

Suddenly the sound of bullets being fired and glass breaking filled the air. Instinctively, he grabbed Lindsay and threw her to the ground, covering her with his own body. A weird sense of Deja-vu overcame him, but he pushed those thoughts aside. As the gunfire ceased and the glass stopped to fall, Danny breathed a sigh of relief. It was over.

He rolled over his wife, not surprised to find his own shirt semi-stained with blood. This time, however, he felt a surge of joy that his legs were in working condition. He immediately crouched to survey the damage done to the rest of the bar, knowing that everyone was safe.

"Danny?" Lindsay asked, propping herself up on her elbows as she looked around nervously.

"Linds." He said softly, kneeling next to her as he put his arms around her reassuringly.

"Danny?" She repeated, her voice tinted with pain and panic. Assuming her slight wince was a result of being thrown to the floor, Danny didn't worry much before responding.

"Montana, it's okay." He smiled, thrilled at the prospects of their future together. "I'm fine."

"Danny." She cringed, the pain in her voice growing. "I can't feel my legs."

"What?" He asked, dumbfounded. This couldn't be happening.

The shock and pain was evident in her face as she placed her hand to her back and pulled it forward to inspect it, revealing blood. "I can't feel my legs. They won't move."

"It's okay." Danny responded immediately, rolling her slightly so that he could inspect the damage. He cringed involuntarily at the amount of blood he saw. "No no no. This can't be happening." He could see Lindsay fighting to remain conscious, and the sight shattered his already broken heart.

"I love you Danny." Lindsay moaned slightly.

Looking around frantically for the others to stand from their positions of safety. "Love you too babe, but you're gonna be fine. Stay with me, kay?" He soothed. "We need some help over here!" He called desperately.

Suddenly Hawkes was by his side, and from the grimace of his friend's face, he knew this wasn't going to be good. "We need an ambulance!" Hawkes yelled loudly.

Danny felt numb as he tried to coach Lindsay into staying awake and focusing on him. Was this really some cruel twist of fate? If it wasn't him, then it had to be her? Expecting the scene to drift away from reality, Danny was disappointed to find that time didn't flow magically forward. Instead, he was forced to ride in the ambulance with her, his worry almost crippling his entire body as he watched the love of his life being wheeled behind closed doors on a gurney.

Waiting outside the surgical room seemed like an eternity. Somehow, his Ma had been informed of the situation and now Lucy was sleeping softly in her arms. He paced impatiently, waiting for any word on her condition. The figures and people around him seemed to all blur into one as he focused on the person that mattered most. _How could this have happened to her._

It wasn't fair.

That was the only conclusion he could come to. This just couldn't be happening. Not again. Not to her.

It just wasn't fair.

"Lindsay Messer?" A tall dark haired man in green scrubs asked as he stepped out of the surgical area, snapping Danny out of the sea of worry he found himself submerged in.

He whipped around and realized that almost the entire room stood. No one had gone home and Danny was suddenly hit with a pang of gratitude for the moral support. He stepped forward, sighing deeply to control the worry and fear in his voice and stated, "I'm her husband. Danny."

The man strode over to him quickly and got down to business immediately. "I'm Dr. Eric Lancaster, your wife's surgeon. She's going to be okay." He said quickly. A relieved sigh escaped him as he fought to focus on the words that Dr. Lancaster was saying. "She was touch and go for a while. Not only did the bullet enter through her back, but it also nicked several organs. She's lucky to be alive."

Danny sighed with relief. "So, she's okay?"

A dark cloud passed over Dr Lancaster's face before he proceeded. "We'll have to run more tests once her body has had time to heal."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Danny asked quickly.

Dr. Lancaster sighed resignedly and continued, "I'm not going to lie to you Mr. Messer. While the bullet didn't hit the spinal cord, it did manage to rupture her spleen and pierce her stomach. In light of the other injuries, there is an increased amount of swelling and pressure on her L2 vertebrae."

"So?" Danny asked warily, sickened by the realization that he knew what was coming. "What does that mean?"

"At this stage, it's too early to tell." The surgeon said evasively.

"Doc, listen. Linds, she's my life. We've got a baby girl, I need to know, is she gonna be okay?"

"Ninety percent of the patients that I've seen with similar injuries never end up walking again." Dr Lancaster let the information sink in before continuing. "Once she's set up in her room, I'll have a nurse come by and get you."

"Thanks." Danny mumbled as the implications rumbled through his own mind, the familiarity of the situation cutting into his gut like a knife. He had never thought of what it would be like to be on this side of the accident. Ten percent chance. Ten. Somewhere, he felt the reassuring pats on the back as his colleagues offered him some time alone with his wife. His mother muttered something about taking Lucy home, but all he could think about was the number mulling around in his mind. Ten percent.

Floating through the hospital, he somehow managed to make it into her room with the beeping monitors sounding their importance. How could this have happened _to her_? It should have been him. It was _supposed to be him. _

"Danny?" She murmured as the effects of the drugs began to wear off.

"I'm here babe." He consoled, grabbing her hand for support as he sat down on the edge of the chair next to her.

"What happened?" She asked groggily, the effects of the pain killers causing her to slur her words adorably.

"We still don't know. A shooting at the bar. Looks like you took one in the back." He tried to get the information out as quickly as he could, but he couldn't help the shame that overtook him at the realization that he should have protected her. It should be him lying in that bed, not her.

"Figures." Lindsay mumbled sarcastically, her voice thick with the throngs of sleep. "The one night we get to hang out with adults, I get shot." She chuckled at her own joke.

Danny, however was not amused. "Montana," He began warningly, unsure of what to say.

"Don't worry. It's all going to be fine." She consoled him, smiling reassuringly before her eyes began to droop and a light yawn escaped her, "I'm fine." She mumbled as she drifted off to sleep, the pain medication working full steam in her system.

Once he was certain she was asleep, he quickly left the room--determined to fix the mess that he had created.

"Jess!" He called loudly down the abandoned hospital wing, ignoring the questioning looks he got from the janitor that passed him. "I've changed my mind. Let me go back!" He begged, hoping that Angell would return and explain to him that this was just some horrible nightmare.

But she didn't come.

Eventually, Danny retreated back to the cold hospital room, the beeping of the machines rhythmically in sync. Danny's guilt was incalculable as he approached his sleeping wife.

"I should have protected you. It should be me." He confessed, collapsing in the chair next to her as a single tear rolled down his face.

"It should have been me." The tear turned into a sob as the realization hit him full on.

_"It should have been me."_

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The next few days were a whirlwind of appointments and tests. Each doctor echoed the sentiments of the first surgeon—ten percent.

Exhausted, he couldn't imagine what life would be like if this was their future. Lindsay had to walk again, she had to get better. She _had to._ He wasn't sure if he could handle it if she didn't.

The time passed as a blur. At each turn, he prayed to find Angell smirking softly and alerting him that this was all just some horrific nightmare. But she never came.

Walking into their apartment three weeks later, panic filled him as he immediately saw Lindsay's chair discarded by the kitchen entryway.

"Lindsay?" He called out with panic.

"In here." Her voice floated through the air from the kitchen accompanied by the soft giggles of their daughter.

"What are you doing?" He barked, unable to keep the fear out of his voice. Turning the corner into their kitchen nook, Danny's panic was replaced with anger as he found Lindsay sitting on the counter while stirring what looked to be a pot of noodles as Lucy played on the floor.

"Cooking." Lindsay shrugged and smiled at their daughter from her perch near the stove. "Dinner wasn't going to make itself."

"Linds." Danny sighed exasperatedly as he ran his hand through his short hair. "Why don't you just relax, I can take care of it."

"Relax?" She scoffed slightly, though Danny could easily detect the slight annoyance in her voice. "I'm not going to sit around while you protect me from life. I've been shot, I'm not some invalid."

"You can't even walk!" Danny cried incredulously. "You _are_ an invalid." He could tell his words had stung as she flinched slightly. She turned back to the pot of noodles on the stove, avoiding his gaze for what felt like hours.

"Do you know what it's like?" She asked eventually, her voice barely above a whisper while she avoided looking at him.

Inwardly, Danny cursed. _Of course I know what it's like!_ _Pain with every step, unable to do anything yourself, yeah. I distinctly remember that. _Instead of voicing his inner dialogue, he offered simply, "Linds, I think I have a pretty good idea--"

He stopped dead as she looked at him now, and the raw pain in her eyes was enough to bore holes into his soul. "Do you know what it's like to realize that the man of your dreams doesn't think you can do it? To have no one support you?" Both of them fell silent as Lindsay's words sunk in. Her final question cut him to the core, because he knew it was true. It wasn't that he didn't believe in her. On the contrary, he knew that Lindsay Monroe was the most capable woman in the world. He just hated to see her in this much pain.

Danny's breath caught. As much as he wanted to lie to her in this moment, he knew that he couldn't bring himself to do it. "No."

His voice was full of emotion as he realized that even though he knew the outcome was supposed to be different, he _hadn't _been the support to her that he should have. He had failed her. Just like he had failed in allowing her to get shot. And, just like she had asked, he would never know what that was like, because when it had been him--and it should have been him--Lindsay had been his cheerleader with every step he took.

"I didn't think so." She said, shaking her head with disappointment. Placing her arms firmly on the counter, she used her upper body to scoot along the counter until she reached the end of the counter top.

To Danny's astonishment, Lindsay's next action was downright miraculous. Firmly grasping the edge of the counter top, Lindsay slid off the counter until her feet barely touched the ground. Making a point not to look in Danny's direction, Lindsay grimaced with pain as she shifted her weight to her feet. Using the kitchen counter for support, she braced herself as she stood upright. Panting heavily from the effort, Lindsay looked over her shoulder to catch Danny's dumbfounded look.

"Montana." Danny breathed in awe.

"Don't." She bit out as she gritted her teeth in determination. With a deep breath, she seemed to gain even more courage and released her death grip on the counter to reach for her chair. Danny watched in horror as Lindsay crumpled unceremoniously to the floor. He quickly attempted to rush to her, but the anger in her eyes stopped him. "Leave me alone." She warned.

Danny's jaw dropped in amazement as Lindsay reached for her chair and successfully transferred herself back into a sitting position. She looked up at him with anger and hurt blazing in her eyes. "One day, that's going to work." She promised seriously as she wiped the perspiration from her brow.

"Montana, I--" Danny smiled in spite of himself at Lindsay's stubborn display. She would get herself killed in an attempt to push herself as far as she could.

"No, if I have to believe in myself, all by myself, then I will." She interrupted defiantly, the fury billowing within her.

Her words reverberated throughout his mind as he compared this scene to what should have been. Danny could do nothing but stand there with astonishment as Lindsay rolled over to an oblivious Lucy and in one motion scooped up their daughter and wheeled out of the room. _I've got to fix this._ He vowed, he wasn't going to let this situation get any worse. Quickly turning off the stove, he tried to figure out what he could possibly say to make this better.

Standing outside the bathroom, Danny paused as he heard his wife's soothing voice amid soft splashing in the tub. Content to listen to their interaction for a moment, he paused. Once again, he was amazed at how strong Lindsay could be, even when pushed up against insurmountable odds.

He heard Lindsay sniffle and his heart sunk. _"Don't worry baby girl," _Lindsay cooed, presumably to an oblivious Lucy. _"Mommy's fine. Her legs just hurt."_

Lucy cooed in reply, and Lindsay's chuckle found his ears. _"Mommy's gonna be okay, I promise. Even if Daddy doesn't think so."_

Danny could feel the tears welling up in his eyes as he leaned against the wall and slid to a sitting position on the floor. He groaned as he rubbed his temples to attempt to ward off a strong headache that came no where near matching the pain in his heart. _Why did it have to be her?_

"It's hard, isn't it." An unexpected soft voice caused him to wheel around.

"Jess!" Danny sighed gratefully as he spotted his friend. "Please, let me go back. I can make it so that she never had to go through this. Please, I can't take this--Lindsay, she shouldn't have to hurt like this." He begged.

"Messer, it doesn't work like that. You already got your do over. You don't get another one." She said sadly, though there was a hint of hesitation in her voice.

"No, there's got to be something I can do. Anything. Please Jess--" His desperate cries seemed to fall on deaf ears as Jess simply shook her head.

Angell sighed, "Danny, I'm sorry to say it, but I told you so. You didn't like what happened before, and now that you had a second chance, it's the way it is."

"Jess, please. There's got to be something--" He pleaded again.

"Do you realize how often she's begged that it was her and not you?" Jess retorted quickly. "It was killing two birds with one stone. But Danny--"

"Aw, c'mon Jess." A heavily accented, familiar voice interrupted, startling Danny from behind. "What's the point in being a cop if you gotta play by the rules?"

"Louie?" Danny smiled at the sight of his brother who had passed away after his coma. "Boy I--"

"Shove it Danny boy, what is it that you want?" Louie asked, getting right down to the point. He and Danny had never been ones for small talk, and it was just like Danny's older brother to get to the crux of the problem.

"I don't want to watch Lindsay suffer." Danny admitted.

"You got it." Louie promised, offering Jess a sad smile. "But are you sure that this is what you want?" He pressed, looking at his little brother seriously.

"I just can't bear to watch her struggle like this." Danny admitted.

"Alright." Louie nodded. Suddenly, Danny was overcome by darkness as the two figures disappeared. His last thoughts before drifting into unconsciousness were those that he had often repeated since Lindsay had been injured.

_Why did it have to be her?_

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TBC


	4. Future

**_AN/ Alright, I just have to say thanks to everybody who's reviewed, I have been astounded by your kind words. Now, I really struggled with this chapter, so that's why there was a slight delay on this chapter. Let me know what you thought :)_**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show or any of its characters.**

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_"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."_

_-Jonathon Larson_

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"Louie? What's this?" Danny asked as he sat on a couch in an unfamiliar apartment with beer cans strewn about him. A young girl, about fourteen years old, stood in front of him, her face contorted angrily with her lips pursed into a tight line—the same way Lindsay looked when she was furious.

"You always asked too many questions." Louie shook his head, laughing slightly. "Just sit back and enjoy the ride."

"Louie--" Danny said warningly. As much as he loved his brother, Louie had often gotten him into precarious situations that Danny didn't necessarily want to repeat.

"You said you didn't want to watch her suffer anymore. Boom. Flash forward. It's the best I could do."

"I'm not sure that's--" Danny backpedalled.

"Too bad kid, now don't mess it up too badly." Louie said, sitting down on the couch next to his brother before disappearing entirely.

"Is that what you're wearing?" The young girl in front of him asked with disgust. "You're not even going to put on a suit?"

"Oh, yeah." Danny asked, now familiar with the situation of feeling lost and confused. "Just a minute."

"Well Uncle Mac's going to be here in five minutes, so I _hope_ you're wearing something better than that. You could have at least taken a shower, dad." She said with distain before disappearing down the hall.

"Lucy?" He called after her in surprise. If this was Lucy, then where was--

"Just leave me alone!" The angered voice shouted back. "Get dressed. And _shave_ for once, why don't you?"

Standing up quickly, Danny cringed as the joints in his knees and back cracked loudly. He attempted to study the apartment more clearly, only to be snapped out of his inspection by presumably his fourteen year old daughter throwing an outfit at him. "Go change." She commanded and pointed in the direction of the master bedroom, much in the same tone that Lindsay often used when she was insisting on something important.

Deciding not to incur his daughter's wrath any more than he already had, he instantly saw that

"Danny?" A clear voice that Danny instantly recognized asked from the hallway.

"In here." Danny called, surprised by the grey that seemed to adorn his hair and the scruff on his face.

"Mac?" Danny asked in surprise, half expecting his boss to be different in appearance. Other than a few more grey hairs, Mac Taylor looked relatively unchanged.

"Just because I fired you, doesn't mean I don't care." Mac said sympathetically.

Danny cursed himself inwardly, certain that whatever he had done to receive Mac's disapproval had to have been very serious.

"We'd better get going." Mac warned after a moment of silence. "Lindsay wouldn't want you to be late."

"I'm ready, let's go." Danny said, having no idea where they were going, but certain that this fate had to be better than all of the others he had experienced.

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It was now obvious that they were attending a funeral. Danny recognized several faces from the force, and though he was curious as to why he himself was not wearing the traditional dress blues, he brushed off that thought without much anxiety. Unconsciously pulling at his tie, he couldn't help but feel as though everyone in the large church was watching him with a critical eye.

Danny smirked slightly with gratitude as Mac patted Lucy affectionately on the knee before making his way to the podium. Grateful for the man they had selected to be Lucy's godfather, Danny almost laughed as Mac didn't even hesitate before plowing into his speech.

"Lindsay Monroe-Messer was one of the greatest detective's I have ever had the pleasure of working with. She was more than just a coworker, she became like a daughter to me." Mac started his speech with the same conviction that he always worked a case. Getting down to business and ignoring all of the fluff that could be added to it. Danny smirked as he realized that the man he knew so well hadn't changed much.

He smirked until he realized _who_ Mac was talking about. In that moment, Danny's heart fell to the pit of his stomach. His mouth went dry and he immediately had the urge to vomit. _No, no, no!_ His mind screamed the impossibility. _This isn't happening._

"I know that the world is a better place because Lindsay was a part of it. She was kind, loyal, and honest. And she tried to make a difference in the lives of those closest to her." Mac's voice seemed to soften as he paused ever so briefly.

"She was taken far too early. My only consolation as I watched her suffer was that she had time to prepare. Lindsay wasn't one who liked surprises, and she confided in me once that she was grateful to live out the rest of her days as a scientist—constantly checking the odds and testing the hypothesis."

_What's that supposed to mean? _Danny thought, bitterly biting back the tears that threatened to overcome him.

Mac smiled affectionately. "Lindsay Monroe will be missed by all, but her memory will stay with all of us for the rest of our lives."

Stella apparently was next. Mac gave her a small squeeze on her shoulder as they passed, and Stella smiled gratefully. Danny didn't know how much more of this he could take. Each second, he prayed to be removed from this horrible nightmare, and yet he continued to face the onslaught of grief attack him.

"Lindsay was like the sister I always wanted. I'm sure if she were here, she would be embarrassed to be the center of attention." The audience chuckled in agreement, and Danny couldn't help but admit that Stella was right.

"One of the scariest days of my life was when she admitted that she couldn't feel her legs—but Lindsay was a fighter. She should have been paralyzed the rest of her life, but Lindsay wouldn't stand for that. She fought to walk again." She continued, the pride seeping from her voice.

"I remember the day she was diagnosed with renal failure and came right into work. She looked up at me without a trace of tears in her eyes. The doctors had just told her she was dying, and she looked at me without an ounce of fear." Stella's voice hitched, but she continued with determination.

_Renal Failure!?! That's her kidneys! No, this can't be happening._ Danny dropped his head to his hands, this just couldn't be happening.

Stella continued, oblivious to Danny's torture, "Smiling, she said to me 'Just another bump in the road'. Every day I curse that shooting, because if Lindsay hadn't been hit, a lot of things would be different. Even as doctors explained that she was going to die because of a shooting almost fifteen years ago, Lindsay shrugged and focused on the positive."

Stella's voice was suddenly overcome by emotion, but true to form, she pushed herself to finish the words she meant to say, "Lindsay will forever be remembered, and I for one am grateful for the impact she had on my life. She made me a better person because she helped me believe in the goodness of others. If the world had more people like Lindsay Monroe, it would be a far better place."

The kind words continued. One by one, dozens of people—some that Danny recognized, others that didn't even look vaguely familiar—catalogued the effect Lindsay had on their lives. Danny surged with pride at the people that his Montana had touched. Somehow they were directed to a grave site where the oak coffin was lowered into the cool soil.

Danny felt his heart plummet with Lindsay's body as he realized what he had done. The condolences and offers of support fell on deaf ears as Danny continued to mull over the realization that cut into him like a knife.

Because of his selfishness, he had killed his Montana.

* * *

Arriving back in the apartment, Lucy didn't even bother to try to speak to him as she went immediately to what he suspected was her room.

Unwilling to be alone at with the realization that the love of his life was gone, Danny wrapped softly on the door that had just shut.

"Leave me alone." A sniffled bark greeted him from the other side of the door.

"Luce?" He asked, the vulnerability seeping into his voice.

"What'd you want?" Lucy opened the door slightly.

"I just want to talk." Danny admitted.

Lucy just eyed him wearily, seemingly skeptical of his request. "Fine." She agreed after a minute, opening the door to her bedroom so that he could enter.

Danny smiled at the pictures and posters that adorned the walls. He instantly could picture Lindsay laughing as she helped hang posters and pictures with their daughter, her laugh filling the entire apartment.

Suddenly, a detailed picture of Lindsay, projected onto what looked like a very large and clear screen, caught his eye. "What's that?" He asked, pointing to the woman who had changed his life.

"It's nothing." Lucy dismissed, immediately avoiding his eyes.

"But—"

"It's a video set mom made me." Lucy admitted. "Told me she did it during dialysis every day so that she could teach me all of the stuff she wouldn't get a chance to."

Danny smirked in spite of himself, _It's just like Montana to be prepared._

"Can I watch it with you?" He asked, holding his breath for just another moment that he could hear Lindsay's voice.

Lucy seemed torn for a moment before nodding her response. Danny lowered himself onto the foot of Lucy's bed while Lucy sank into her bed before restarting the movie.

_"Hey, Luce, it's me. Another message from your dear old mom." _Lindsay's bright face appeared on the television set. Danny smiled softly at the strands of grey that were beginning to peak through her hair, and couldn't help but realize that his wife was like a fine wine—she only got better with age.

_"In this message, I want to tell you why I fell in love with your father. You asked me once why I stuck around, and the reason is baby girl that you just don't give up on true love." _The video image of Lindsay brushed her hand up near her eye, deflecting the trace amounts of water that pooled there. Danny could easily pick out a yellowish tinge to her skin and noticed the dark circles under her eyes. Despite all of that, his original thought was true. No matter what age, Lindsay Monroe was beautiful.

_"You see, you're dad wasn't always the way he is now. I remember when we met, he was the most annoying person on the face of the earth. He tormented me: called me nicknames, stuck me with the worst jobs in the lab, and was overall a pain in the ass. But in the end, he easily became my very best friend. And I've loved him ever since." _Lindsay's older self seemed to smile at the memory.

_"I know you're probably wondering why he changed, and the truth is that I don't know." _Danny felt a pang of guilt at the sorrow that crossed Lindsay's face. Knowing that this was the only way he was going to get answers, Danny vowed to press forward. Steeling a glance at his daughter, he could tell she was purposefully not looking at him.

_"You see, after the shooting, he just—stopped. I think it was hard for him to see me in pain. Your dad never was good at letting other people suffer. Then, when we found out that I couldn't have any more kids, he just shut down."_ Lindsay explained. Danny felt horrified at the way that she so easily defended him.

_"You remember when I was diagnosed, he became almost unresponsive. But baby, there's a reason I'm telling you this: I love your father more than you will ever know. He loves me to-- he just forgets to show it sometimes." _Lindsay's words felt as though she had stuck her hand into his chest and ripped out his heart.

_"I want you to be happy. I know that you and your dad don't get along, but he's all you've got now. Please, do everything you can to live your life to the fullest—but don't spend your whole life mad at your father. Be a fighter, and part of fighting is forgiving." _Lindsay's conviction emanated through the electronic medium and Danny felt almost that he was in Lindsay's presence. Only she could inspire him with just a word, making him want to be a better person with each breath he took in her presence. And now she was gone.

_"I know this is hard, baby. Believe me, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave. But I didn't have a choice. Just remember Luce: you're a part of me. We're fighters. When bad things happen, we take it one step at a time. It's all going to be okay, I promise."_

_"Well, I should probably go, apparently my time is up for the day—next time, I'll teach you how to make my grandma's famous casserole. I know you don't care now, but one day, you will."_

_"Love you Luce."_

Danny had tears in his eyes that were free flowing now. _How could this be fair?_

"She made all of these?" Danny looked with awe at the case filled with small discs.

"Yeah, she only gave 'em to me last week when she said that she always wanted me to remember her." Lucy admitted, fingering the plastic case that held a picture of Lindsay shortly after Lucy's birth. As Danny inspected another case, he realized that Lindsay had personalized each case with a picture of the mother and daughter duo.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed another case, this one with only a picture of him and Lindsay. He didn't remember this one being taken, but it was a candid shot while the two were in mid-conversation. Lindsay, with beer in hand, was openly laughing at presumably something he had said. The look on his face was one of pure adoration.

"Luce, I—" Danny started, tracing over the picture of the couple so obviously in love. He couldn't help but wonder what had happened to distance himself so far from his wife and daughter, but the very thought cut him like a dagger.

"Dad, can I just like, be alone?" Lucy asked, turning away from him to hide her pained expression. "Today was—" She trailed off, though Danny could distinctly detect a small hitch in her voice.

"You got it." Danny agreed after a moment, not wanting to burden the young girl further. "But Luce, I just want you to know, I love you."

"Sure." Lucy replied, despondent.

It took everything within him to tear himself away from her devastated figure. The emptiness in the apartment was palpable. As if Lindsay's departure had left a void not only in his and Lucy's life, but in the very atmosphere that Lindsay used to be a part of.

_Why? Why'd it have to be like this? Why her?_

"Not what you expected, huh?" Louie asked, coming out from behind the corner.

"Louie! Let me go back. It's my fault." Danny pleaded desperately, his head ached from the emotional pressure that he had encountered.

"No can do Danny boy. Three strikes, you're out." Louie smirked softly. "Can't say you don't deserve a second chance, though- I mean, you're kind of a deadbeat dad."

"Lou, you don't understand. I didn't know. I love her so much, and—"

"Don't cry Dan, it's embarrassing." Louie smirked at Danny's discomfort.

"Listen—" Danny snapped, his temper running thin, his migraine worsening.

"What do you want Dan? You just can't be satisfied, can you? Every time you keep wishing it was different, but you keep forgetting that life doesn't work out like the perfect plan you've got in your mind."

"If Lindsay hadn't gotten shot, would she have—would her kidney's still--?" Danny couldn't quite voice the question that plagued him.

Louie apparently took compassion on his younger brother and shook his head. "No."

"I want to go back. Let it be me. Please Lou, let it be me. I'll do anything." His desperate pleas only increased as he witnessed his brother's resolve falter.

_"Let it be me."_


	5. Epilogue

**_AN/ Thanks for reading, this is the conclusion--let me know what you thought._**

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* * *

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_"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."_

_-Alexander Graham Bell_

* * *

Chapter 5

Suddenly, his eyes were closed and he became more and more aware of the soft whirring of the radiator. He felt a thrill of exuberance at the return of the pain in his lower back. Slowly cracking one eye, he winced as the light assaulted his senses. As his eyes adjusted to the soft amounts of light, he felt a flood of relief overcome him as he found himself lying on the large overstuffed couch in the apartment he shared.

Everything was as it should be.

He quickly sat up and waited as a bout of nausea passed, thrilled at the realization that this all must have been some horrible nightmare. Eventually, the nausea and accompanying dizziness subsided and he stood to follow the soft rumblings he could hear in the kitchen.

Ignoring the burning pain in his legs, he paused for a moment at the sight of his wife, beaming with pride at the realization of the life they had together. She was softly humming to herself as she poured a package of noodles into boiling water, presumably fixing dinner for the night.

"Hey." He offered softly, slightly surprised by the croaking sound that had replaced his voice.

"Danny?" Lindsay cried in relief as she witnessed Danny wince from the volume of her voice. More softly, she added, "Danny, I was so worried."

"Montana?" He could feel the words slurring from his lips, despite his now regained consciousness. "What happened?"

"The Super called to tell me the elevator broke down-he was worried about you hobbling up the stairs. Apparently he was right to be worried." Lindsay explained, handing over a large ice pack and gesturing to his forehead.

Danny applied the ice and cringed as the new amount of pressure made him wince involuntarily. Suddenly, images popped back into his mind of the stair-well and his arduous journey back to their apartment. "I fell."

"Really? I hadn't noticed." Lindsay scoffed sarcastically as she guided him back to the couch.

"How'd I get here?" Danny narrowed his gaze at his wife, genuinely perplexed that he didn't wake up in the cold stairwell.

"Hawkes is going to be by in a few minutes, I already called him." Lindsay dodged his question, gently pushing him back onto the couch.

"I'm fine." Danny muttered as she levelled him a no-nonsense glare.

"He's going to check you out. Humor me, and be grateful I'm not taking you to the hospital." She instructed, sitting down in a small chair where she could watch him carefully.

"I'm fine." He muttered once again, before realizing she hadn't answered his question. "Linds? How'd I get here?" He asked again, not about to be dissuaded.

"Well Danny, when a mother and a father love each other very much--" She started, suppressing a grin.

"Knock it off wiseass, you know what I mean." He warned, suppressing a smirk.

Lindsay sighed. "Fine. I got the guy in 3B to help me get you back here."

Danny groaned, secretly grateful that she hadn't tried to carry him up the rest of the way herself. "I hope you compensated the poor kid."

"Oh, definitely. I slept with him." Lindsay replied nonchalantly.

Danny gaped at her in horror which caused Lindsay to errupt in a fit of giggles. "C'mon Danny. Yeah, I gave him a couple of bucks."

"Head injury? Remember? Sorry if I don't immediately appreciate your dry sense of humor." He grumbled, inwardly grinning at the quick wit of his wife.

The knock at the door surprised them both, and though Danny attempted to stand to answer it, Lindsay shot him a warning glance and quickly beat him to it.

_What did I ever do to be so lucky?_ He asked himself as he watched her approach the front door.

Slipping a hand into his jeans pocket, he was surprised to find a small plastic case. Pulling it out, he was stunned at the familiar image that greeted him. It was the picture on Lucy's digital case, a candid picture of he and his wife, so obviously in love.

"What's that?" Sheldon asked as he and Lindsay came around the corner.

Snatching the plastic case and photo from her husband, Lindsay reeled with surprise. "When was this taken? I don't remember--"

"Jeez Montana, I think you fell and hit your head. It's my favorite picture of us." Danny replied quickly.

"Alright, let's get you checked out." Hawkes interrupted what he was certain would turn into playful banter between the couple.

Danny smirked as Lindsay handed the case back over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

_What did I ever do to deserve this?_


End file.
